What looks small from the outside can feel REALLY big to her.

Before we go any further, I want to make one thing really clear: there is no single eating disorder brain.

Two people can have the same diagnosis and experience food, fear, exercise, fullness, their body and recovery completely differently.

So this is not me saying “this is definitely what they are thinking.” It is me giving you a few windows into what might be happening underneath the behaviour you can see. Think of it as translation, not mind reading.

This is not a “young people have it harder” competition. Body pressure is not new.

Magazines, celebrity bodies, weight loss clubs, “summer body” headlines and comments about losing a few pounds were around long before TikTok.

What changed is how often the message can reach you.

Same human brain. MUCH more opportunity to compare.

Imagine opening your phone before you have even properly woken up.

• Someone is filming their 5am morning routine.
• Someone is showing you everything they eat in a day.
• Someone has “transformed” their body in twelve weeks.
• Someone is explaining the “healthiest” breakfast.
• Someone else says that breakfast will spike your blood sugar.
• Another person says carbohydrates are essential.
• And somebody has apparently already done a workout, journalled and drunk three litres of water.

It is 7:14am. You have been awake for fourteen minutes and somehow your brain already thinks you are behind.

I think this is one of the easiest things to underestimate from the outside.

You can know an image is edited and still compare yourself with it. You can know an influencer is showing you twenty seconds of their day and still wonder why your life does not look like theirs.

We know adverts are trying to sell us things. They still work.

And if somebody is already struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, self esteem, food or their body, “just scroll past it” can be a lot harder than it sounds.

Knowing something is not real does not automatically stop it feeling real.

One of the strangest things about food now is how rarely we are allowed to just let it be... food.

Of course food contains nutrients. But your lunch was never supposed to feel like a nutritional spreadsheet you have to pass.

Sometimes recovery is not only learning to eat the biscuit. It is learning that the biscuit did not need a moral backstory in the first place.

For lots of people, steps, rings and exercise stats are just numbers.

But an eating disorder can start giving those numbers jobs they were never meant to have. Proof you have “done enough”. Permission to rest. Permission to eat. A reason to keep moving when you are exhausted.

You put on a pair of jeans. They feel tighter.

Maybe they shrank in the wash. Maybe you are bloated. Maybe you are due on your period. Maybe you have eaten. Maybe the fabric is sitting differently. Maybe literally nothing meaningful has changed.

Your brain could say:

“Hmm. Could be about twelve completely boring things.”

An eating disorder can jump straight to: Something is wrong.

And suddenly a waistband is not a waistband. It feels like evidence.

That is why a tiny moment you barely notice can completely change somebody else's mood, plans or ability to eat that day.

Think about how often you can see yourself now.

Front camera. Back camera. Somebody else's camera. Tagged photos. Videos. FaceTime. Zoom. Mirrors. Shop changing rooms. The tiny preview of your own face while recording something.

Then add the ability to zoom in. Crop. Compare. Retake. Delete. Retake again.

We have quietly made constant self inspection feel completely normal.

For somebody whose brain is already scanning their body for “problems”, that is a LOT of opportunities to find one.

Comparison is not something that only happens while somebody is scrolling.

You might say one of those sentences and forget it five seconds later. Somebody else can carry it around in their head for the rest of the day.

Same sentence. Completely different landing.

This one is tricky because the language can sound SO sensible.

The message does not have to say “be thinner”. It can say:

Some of those conversations can be useful in the right context. But when somebody is already frightened of food, hearing over and over that ordinary foods might secretly be “bad” for them can give that fear a very convincing explanation.

The eating disorder does not always sound like “I want to be thinner”. Sometimes it sounds like “I am just being healthy”.

From your side, the rules can look completely random.

But rules can create certainty. And certainty can feel very comforting when eating, fullness, weight change or not knowing exactly what will happen feels frightening.

So when you challenge “the rule”, they might not experience that as you removing a silly habit. Their brain might experience it as you removing the thing currently making the situation feel safer.

This is one of the bits I really want people supporting someone to understand.

Both can be completely genuine.

Someone can desperately want recovery and still panic when recovery asks them to do the exact thing their brain has spent months or years telling them is dangerous.

Wanting to get better does not mean suddenly not being scared of getting better.

Here is the bit nobody else at the table can hear.

Same room. Same plate. Two completely different experiences.

You do not have to agree that the fear makes sense. You are trying to understand what it feels like to the person having it.

I really want you to know this too: you are human.

You might get frustrated. You might say something and immediately think “oh god, that came out completely wrong.” You might have absolutely no idea what the “right” response is.

Supporting somebody with an eating disorder can be frightening, confusing and exhausting from your side too.

Your job is not to become their therapist. It is not to understand every thought. And it is definitely not to love them perfectly enough that the illness disappears.

You do not need the perfect sentence. Sometimes “I'm here. Help me understand.” is plenty.

Before you ask “Why are they doing this?”, try changing the angle slightly.

Ask yourself what the exact same moment might feel like from where they are standing.

You may never experience food, their body or the world exactly as they do. You do not need to.

Sometimes understanding 10% more than you did yesterday is enough to change the way you respond today.